Masturbation Incidents On The Rise For Valentine’s Day

Flint and the Bell Tower Times‘s network of sources have hooked up to get the to bottom of the Australian condition by any means necessary.

Emergency Departments Prepare for Spike in Wank Related Injuries This Valentine’s Day

Valentines Day can be a bittersweet symphony for many of WA’s loneliest citizens. Many West Aussies will find themselves alone this Valentine’s Day and sadly, will suffer uncontrollable urges to batter their genitals into greasy submission.

Emergency Departments across the state are preparing for the spike in masturbation related injuries that flow from the collateral damage of Cupid’s  arrows  We spoke to a Doctor from one of Perth’s busiest Emergency Departments who told The Bell Tower Times:

“We see a lot of presentations for extreme chaffing, snapped ‘banjo strings’ and of course the victims of auto erotic asphyxiation normally caused by the extreme masturbation practice of choking oneself while they perform the act, this was made popular by the INXS lead singer, who died tragically while performing the infamous choke and stroke”. 

We asked the Doctor what WA citizens can do to lessen the risk of “wankidents” this Valentine’s Day:

We would like to see people be gentle with themselves while masturbating. We realise that Valentine’s Day and loneliness can be a deadly combination, so we implore people to reach out and be social, rather than wank themselves senseless on their computer chair. If you are going to perform  auto-asphyxiation, we highly recommend doing so in the presence of a friend, although, we doubt anyone will take our advice on that one”. 

  Missionary Impossible

Last Valentine’s Day there were a record 22 masturbation related presentations across WA’s Emergency Departments. In context, there are only 30 presentations per year in total. A staggering 73% occur on Valentine’s Day. 

The annual rise in “wankidents” serves as a bitter reminder of the fragility of our nation’s deviants. Single men are being urged to congregate at anti-arousal hot spots such as their parent’s homes to hopefully curve the number of “wankidents”.

We contacted the Salvation Army and suggested that they ask the public for donations of lubricant and Aloe-Vera, that can be dispersed to WA’s legion of lonely souls.  We are yet to hear back from them.

Be gentle WA.

The Bell Tower times is run by collective of anonymous and shady Perth figures that have been reporting on ground zero of the Human Zoo we call Australia.

Image credit: leijonapullo