Trouble finding the way home
Back in school, I was perceived as this dorky shy girl, who associated with a few outcasts, doing our geeky things and making up our geeky jokes. I was never popular in school. As I grew older, it was even harder to change that perception. I struggled, socially, during high school and I was never able to act to my true inner self that is outgoing, life loving and… actually, not so much of a bookworm. Throughout the very precious early years of my young life, school, with its entire social and educational nurturing extravaganza, never felt like somewhere I belonged.
At the end of high school, as a reaction from emotional alienation and social detachment, I threw myself into this large group of dysfunctional social rejects who resolved to take the dark path where there is no sense of mere responsibility, nothing is wrong or illegal, (it is just a matter of labelling and perception that’s subjective to one’s personal judgment or opinion).
At the time, it appeared to my young misguided mind that rather than being the righteous shy girl (aka social outcast dork), being reckless would set me free and help me fit in any social community.
Needless to say, this was a short phase in my life from which I managed to pull out before crossing the line to where there is no return. I never felt so confused and disconnected as much as in that period.
In college, my life was altered the other way around. This time I was perceived as this spoiled, popular and outgoing girl who hung out in this really cool group of ‘gorgeous, stylish dudes and plastic girls.’ A large portion of engineering geeks thought of me as a spoiled airhead who doesn’t appreciate the value of science & education.
During that time, I lived my life to the fullest, travelled a lot, partied and was part of many social groups –I fitted in. The life I lived was a bit too wild and though I had lots of fun and friends, I couldn’t resist this embittering feeling that I was a stranger who could neither belong with my friends nor relate to my college mates.
For years, I never felt I belong, like I am home (in addition; already being a teenager signified the era of the non-understanding love-hate relationship with my parents).
It wasn’t until years later, that I met someone who, without any effort on his account, transformed every wrong to right. With him, anywhere, any time or any state is home. We started working on our ‘happily ever after’, reshaping our life paths into one. Life was then forever different.
Home is where I feel comfortable to be myself, take control of my life, mess it up sometimes, then reform and build it with someone who I can be bare with.
Indeed, now I feel like I am finally home.
Sherihan Magdy is a writer based in Cairo, Egypt.