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Personal Trainer Offering Ecstasy and Rave Classes

Flint and the Bell Tower Times‘s network of sources have hooked up to get the to bottom of the Australian condition by any means necessary.

November 2014’s Stereosonic Festival was an eye opener for many of Perth’s hardest bodies. Flocks of greased up meatheads flocked to the Claremont Showgrounds to showcase their shredded rigs and dance like epileptic karate instructors trying to chop imaginary blowflies. Many left the festival feeling inadequate in their tight little shorts. Simply put, in the race to shred city, many had taken slobby detours through carb-valley. They have brought shame on their rigs.

In the wake of shattered egos, Perth personal trainer, Johnny “NoHomo” Atkins, has recently taken to Gumtree to promote his new business venture. “Johnny NoHomo’s Pingers & Shred Sessions”. The add describes the class as follows:

“Let me turn your rig into a shredded shrine to Adonis. Come to my lounge room where live DJs will play the funkiest house beats while you pop a pinger and dance the fat away under my guidance. $100 per three hour session which includes one pinger. Additional pingers available at market price. Blokes only. Call Johnny NoHomo on 9354 ****.”

Keen to learn more, The Bell Tower Times contacted Johnny on what appeared to be his parents landline. When we arrived at his house, he was sitting around a laptop with his mates as they all tried to come to a consensus as to which shirtless selfie of Johnny was the more appropriate for Tinder. We asked him what inspired him to start the Pingers & Shred sessions,

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“Firstly brah, perfect practice makes perfect. So your training should reflect your goal. Our goal is to attract the pussy while looking straight-shredded and dancing like bosses. Secondly, ecstasy is great for weight loss, you burn tons of calories and you pretty much won’t eat for 20 hours. It’s blokes only ‘cos it’d be a little gay if lads brought their birds and shit you know?”

We were momentarily stunned by how gay we must all look when we dance with our girlfriends, nevertheless, we held our composure and asked Johnny whether his program was taking off:

“Getting a lot of interest brah, but ah, mostly just shredders phoning up looking for pingers ay. So, financially, the program is doing good, despite not having conducted a single class”.

At that point, Johnny became somewhat elated with his own success and flexed his bicep to the cheers of his shirtless crew sitting on the couches.

In a society where chemical assistance is as normal as dancing like a prick next to some portable toilets, we are not surprised that venture capitalists such as Johnny “NoHomo” Atkins have entered the saturated fitness market and made homoerotic waves. Even though his business model is more closely related to that of a indiscrete ecstasy dealer.

 The Bell Tower times is run by collective of anonymous and shady Perth figures that have been reporting on ground zero of the Human Zoo we call Australia.

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